Because Words Sometimes Hurt Our Brains!

A Brief Summary of Events So Far!

The Childhood Deeds of Jeff The Transgendered Platypus Part 1 (this time there will actually be a part 2!)

Well one day Jeff was hanging out down by the billabong with his mother, Eda the Beaver and he was very bored. He looked everywhere but could not find any of the other animal children who usually hung around at the billabong. He asked his mother and she told him: 'I don't know, maybe you could take up surfing? You know something you could do yourself without the other children.' Much perplexed by Eda's response (not to mention the fact that he was certain his mother name was Eva), Jeff went out to see if he could find anyone to play with.

As he circled the billabong he came across Bob and asked him where all the other animal children where gone. Ever the tactful beaver Bob replied: 'Oh, they went over to play cricket beyond that hill over there so that you wouldn't see them because... how can I put this delicately...your a bit strange, they don't really like you very much & you always win!'

'Humpf!' Said Jeff, and waddled back to collect his gear and head off looking for the other children.

As he travelled away from the billabong he invented a new game to pass the time. He threw his cricket ball into the air as far as he could, and then he threw his cricket bat into the air after it, and then he threw his boomerang into the air as far as he could. He then ran as fast as he could with his webbed feet flopping of the ground and his ass waddling over and back at great speed and he jumped in the air (about a foot off the ground) and snatched the ball out of the air and then he leapt even higher (about a foot and a half) and he snatched the bat out of the air and then...TWACK!...Jeff got clocked, as the boomerang flew directly into his head. Not one to be phased by a hefty smack on the head, he continued in this fashion until he reached that hill over there where he found three fifties of animal children playing cricket. (Now if you know anything about cricket you realise how ridiculous a sight that was, I mean for the most part the point of the bloody stupid game is to hit the ball so that no-one could catch it, but with a hundred & fifty players on the pitch there is nowhere to hit it that someone wasn't standing).

Well dispite how ridiculous the game was Jeff ran down the side of the hill and into the middle of the game knocking over three times seven, plus nineteen, divided by two, minus four, plus eleven of the children and pissed off the remainder (which noone really know how many that added up to cause their bloomin' animals they don't use calculators but it's safe to say there was plenty of them!).

So an undisclosed number of children threw their balls at Jeff (Cricket balls...Ok! Behave!) and Jeff knocked them all out of the way with his bat (Cricket bat...Ok, obviously he wasn't carrying a small blind mammal with leathery wing!).

So then an undisclosed number of children threw their bats at him and he deflected an undisclosed number of bats minus one (that actually was a small blind mammal with leathery wings named Alfonso, who flew past Jeff and crashed into a nearby tree!).

So then an undisclosed number of children (minus seven Possum children who were confused by what was going on and decided to play dead, and three Ostrich children who were also confused and buried their heads in the sand!) anyway some of the remaining children threw their boomerangs at him and amid the confusion of balls, bats, a bat and the others the result was a series of TWACK...TWACK...[insert appropriate number of TWACKS here]... and THUNK! (Oy what the F was that?).

Of course, by this time Jeff was well used to being TWACKed in the head and with Alfonso, the seven Possums and three Ostriches and the three times seven, plus nineteen, divided by two, minus four, plus eleven of the children out of action, Jeff easily beat the remaining children 309 for 7 against 120 for 5 with 2 overs (which noone really understoon cause itr's bloody Cricket mate!)

A lost tale of Jeff?

Thanks to the wonderful skills taught to me over the last few years I have deciphered this ancient rune. My research leads me to believe it's a reference to the lost tale: 'The single combat of Jeff the Transgendered Platypus and his foster brother/sister Terry the Hermaphrodite Peacock!' Naturally I will continue my research into this matter in the hope that some day we may all understand why Jeff would commit such a appalling kin-slaying!

Tochmarc Jeff part II

As Eva picked up the egg, a mist descended and she found herself lost. She wandered around for several hours until she came to the edge of a lake. A voice told her that Jeff would be born in this place. She realised that she was at the crossing of seven roads and lo! an inn had magically appeared. Eva entered the inn and found that she had entered a bragging competition. A whale was about to be carved and the heroes were fighting about who would be getting the champion's portion. Each tried to assert that he owned the most magical object. The goose held up a ring and claimed that this was the ring the dodge of Venice had thrown into the lagoon this year. Because the goose had been born on the isles of Greece to the north and travelled the world and seen the bears of the snow. He had slain the king of the bears and travelled to the city of Venice. When the dodge threw his ring in the sea as a wedding present the goose dived and and ate the fish that had eaten the ring.
The dolphin had the very first acorn of the very first oak tree that ever grew on earth. For when the earth was formed, oak trees were the first trees to grow and pigs were the first to roam the earth and it is therefore that pigs like acorns best.
When Eva came in, the hall fell silent. Eva held up the egg. 'I,' she declaimed solemnly, 'have Jeff.' She was handed the knife and carved the meat and ate the champion's portion. This happened every night for seven years.

One night, as was bound to happen, a fight broke out between the heroes in the inn. In the melee, the egg broke. The yolk and the white was picked up as good as they good and an omelette was made. Eva ate it and fell asleep.

Eva dreamt that two birds chained together with a golden chain came to her and as they came closer, one became smaller and changed into a fly and she swallowed it. The other told her that it was Jeff she had just swallowed and she would be pregnant with him for seven years and then she would give birth to him and he would be a hero.

Jeff the Transgendered Platypus: Origins Pt1: The Beginning (except for any other preprequel-type stories which may come later ...or earlier).

In the Beginning there was the Billabong (Austrailian for a big puddle)and all the water loving creatures used to hangout there to chat, comment or poke (much like an early beastial version of Facebook). Among the many creatures were ducks, beavers and otters and other animals (which have no real bearing of this story so rather than engage in several hours of zoological study lets just say 'other animals').

Anyway one day Eva the Beaver was out collecting twigs for the next ambitious building project of Beaver Construction Inc . (please note this was a very long time ago when construction companies built stuff rather that suck every cent out of a country leaving it impoverished for several generations). Suddenly a shimmer of light across the surface of the water caught her attention and she gazed out over the billabong and saw a figure swimming towards her, she looked around nervously and saw noone else nearby. Rising slowly out of the water before her was the most beautiful Otter she had ever seen (now by otter standards Ollie was not very good-looking what with his bucktoothed grin, but beavers are into that sort of thing). He strutted, in a soggy otter fashion, up the bank of the billabong and said:
"Have we just had sex baby?"
"Um...no!" replied Eva.
"Well let me remedy that right now." said Ollie with a massively toothy grin.
"Oh!" exclaimed Eva, "you're so smooth" and with that she swooned into his arms.

[insert graphic beaver/otter sex scene here]

When they were finished Eva asked "Do you love me?"
"Oh..of course!" said Ollie, " I... um...just need to go over there for a minute, then...ah...we'll be together forever...yeah, I'll be right back."
With that Ollie dove into the billabong and was never seen again. Naturally Eva didn't know this and so she lay on the bank exausted from her inter-species love-making and dozed of in the warm sun and a dream came to her as she slept...

Eva lay on the banks of a pool of water in the warm afternoon sun (who knew beavers have no imagination) when a vast pair of wings eclipsed the warmth of the sun and a mighty snow-white duck swooped down out of the sky and loanded before her and told her the fate of the entire world depended on them having sex right now. Never one to risk the entire world Eva spread her legs and lets just say she was royally duck'd.
Afterwards the duck said "His name will be Jeff!"
Eva asked, "Do you love me?"
"Yea, sure, whatever, just remember Jeff, ok?" and with that he flew away and was never seen again.

Well Eva woke up a short while later and there was no sign of the otter and there was no sign of the duck and there was no sign of the blue monkey (what blue monkey you ask? go read some Old Irish Lit. and you'll understand), so she went home and an hour later she went into labour and out popped an egg-shaped, egg-coloured, egg-like...well egg frankly! All the other beavers gathered around to see the mysterious sight, they looked at the egg and the looked at Eva and they looked at the egg and they looked at each other and they looked at the egg and the minutes ticked by and they all knew someone had to say something but what could you say? Bob was the most tactful of all the beavers and he stepped forward now and with all the delicacy and consideration he could muster said, "What the fuck is that?"
"That's Jeff!!!"

One day Jeff realised he was not like the other Platypi/Platyuses/Platypodes!

In which Jeff is introduced

So, Jeff the platypus was bored and decided to create the world. Its just that things fucked up a bit. Instead of the world he managed, singlehandedly, or as the case may be, singlebeakedly, to create the otherworld. To be continued.

(chorus: Platypodes. Just saying.)

Jeff, and his merry band of platypodes had been swimming around doing that electric eco-loding thingie that platy...whatever...are so good at, when Jeff felt that he had DONE all that already. He was ready for something new to happen, something challenging, something a bit more exciting than swimming around nibbling on yucky stuff underwater and worrying about only having one testicle*